Boundaries - The Inner work you need for Success
Part 4 of a 4 part series all about boundaries!
By now, you have the tactical tools for setting boundaries. But as many high-performers discover, holding a boundary is much harder than setting one.
You might successfully decline a meeting or close your laptop at 5PM, only to find yourself vibrating with anxiety or mentally drafting an apology. This is what I call the Boundary Hangover.
It is the resistance that surfaces when we prioritize professional sustainability over being “the one who does it all.” In this final part of our series, we are looking at four internal barriers that stand between you and a focused, high-impact career.
What makes holding boundaries so hard ?!
1. The Guilt Gap: Reframing "Unkind" to "Clear"
Many of us were raised to believe that being "helpful" means being "available" or “agreeable” When we set a boundary, our brain sends a false signal: “You are being mean!”
How to Shift: Remind yourself that clarity is kindness. When you are vague about your limits to avoid hurting feelings, you actually create resentment. A firm boundary is the most honest thing you can give a colleague or a client.
Example: The "Maybe" Trap (Time Management)
The Vague/Agreeable Response: A colleague asks if you can review a 20-page document by EOD. You’re swamped, but you say, "I’ll try my best to take a look if I can get through my meetings!"
The Result: Your colleague thinks it’s being done and stops looking for other help. You spend the afternoon stressed, eventually sending a rushed email at 6:00 PM saying you couldn't get to it. Everyone is frustrated.
The Clear (Kind) Boundary: "I can’t review this by EOD today. I can have it back to you by noon on Thursday, or if it’s urgent, you may want to ask someone else."
Why it's Kind: You gave them the truth immediately, allowing them to plan accordingly without false hope.
2. The Identity Crisis: Moving Beyond the "Fixer"
If you’ve built your professional reputation on being the "go-to person" who saves the day, a boundary feels like a threat to your value. You might wonder, “Who am I if I’m not the one fixing everything?” or you might experience the extremely relatable imposter syndrome thought “If I don’t do this, they will realize I don’t know what i’m doing.” 🫣
How to Shift: Your value as a leader isn’t your capacity to be a martyr; it’s your capacity to be sustainable. You aren’t losing your identity; you’re evolving from a "Fixer" into a "Leader."
Example: The "Emergency" Email
The Fixer Mindset: A project hits a snag while you’re on your lunch break. You jump in immediately to fix the code or rewrite the memo yourself because "it's faster" and you want to be the hero who saved the deadline.
The Imposter Thought: "If I don't fix this perfectly right now, they’ll think I’m incompetent or that I’ve lost my grip on this project."
The Leader Shift: You trust the team to handle the first pass of the solution, or you wait until after your break to provide high-level guidance.
The Reality: Your value isn't doing the work; it's building a team that is capable of handling challenges without you. Sustainability is your new metric of success.
3. The Fear of Friction: Building Your Emotional resilience
Many high-achievers are secretly conflict-avoidant. We aren't afraid of the boundary; we are afraid of the look on the other person's face when we set it. We want to "manage" their disappointment.
How to Shift: You are responsible for your boundary; you are not responsible for their reaction to it. Part of professional maturity is allowing others to feel their disappointment without rushing in to "fix" it for them.
Example: Giving Corrective Feedback
The Conflict-Avoidant Move: You need to tell a direct report their work wasn't up to par. You see them get defensive or teary-eyed, so you immediately start "softening" the feedback: "But honestly, it wasn't that bad! I probably could have explained it better, don't worry about it."
The unconscious goal: You want the uncomfortable "vibe" in the room to go away.
The Mature Shift: You deliver the feedback clearly and then sit in the silence. You allow them to process the disappointment of an unmet goal.
The Result: You treat them like a capable professional who can handle a difficult conversation.
Pro tip: We can’t control what others do, we can only control what we do
4. The Nervous System Response: The "EEEEK!" Moment
When you hold a boundary, your body might go into "Fight, Flight, Freeze, or Fawn" mode. Your heart races, your palms sweat, and your brain screams, "Just take the extra work so this feeling goes away!"
How to Shift: This is just a biological "mismatch." Your body thinks you’re in danger because you’re breaking a habit that it believes has made you successful or kept you safe.
Example 1: The "Fawn" Response (The People-Pleaser's Reflex)
The Scenario: Your boss asks you to take on a project that is clearly outside your scope and capacity.
The Biological Response: Instead of saying no, you find yourself smiling, nodding, and saying, "I’d be happy to help!" while your stomach knots up.
The "Safety" Logic: Your brain thinks: "If I am helpful and agreeable, they will stay happy with me, and I will be safe in my job."
The Shift: Recognize the "Fawn" for what it is, a survival strategy. Take a breath and say, "I’m wanting to say yes, but I need to look at my calendar so I can be sure I’m giving you a realistic answer."
Example 2: The "Flight" Response (The Avoidance Strategy)
The Scenario: You receive an email from a client pushing back on your new late-fee policy.
The Biological Response: You close your laptop immediately. You decide you’ll "deal with it later," but you spend the rest of the day with a racing heart and a cloud of dread hanging over you.
The "Safety" Logic: Your brain thinks: "Conflict is a predator. If I run away from this email, the 'threat' can't get me."
The Shift: Acknowledge the "Flight." Remind yourself: "Closing the laptop doesn't end the threat; it only extends the anxiety. I am safe to respond firmly."
Example 3: The "Freeze" Response (The Analysis Paralysis)
The Scenario: Someone interrupts you in a meeting or speaks over you after you’ve tried to set a boundary about meeting etiquette.
The Biological Response: You go blank. You forget what you were going to say, your throat feels tight, and you just stare at your notes until the moment passes.
The "Safety" Logic: Your brain thinks: "If I stay perfectly still and quiet, I won't draw any more negative attention to myself."
The Shift: This is the "mismatch." Breaking the silence feels dangerous, but it isn't. Ground yourself by feeling your feet on the floor and simply say, "I’d like to finish my thought before we move on."
Pro Tip: If you can breathe through the first 60 seconds of that "EEEEK!" moment without taking your words back, the anxiety will peak and then begin to drop. Stay in it!
Boundaries give you the Power of "No" and the Freedom of "Yes"
Ultimately, understanding and enacting boundaries is about taking responsibility for your own well-being, the well-being of your relationships, and your professional effectiveness. It allows you to protect your energy, focus, and mental health, leading to less resentment and greater productivity.
When you set clear boundaries, you protect your capacity to show up more fully, authentically, and effectively in all areas of your life. It's not about being uncooperative; it's about being strategically supportive and self-aware.
